


The Best Cake In The Universe

by Andraste



Category: Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Cake, Gen, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 01:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2833490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andraste/pseuds/Andraste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor is just trying to bake. Unfortunately, the universe seems to have other ideas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Best Cake In The Universe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hapax_legomenon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hapax_legomenon/gifts).



"That was excellent," the Doctor said, dabbing the last few crumbs off his plate with one finger. "You really surpassed yourself this time."

Not that she was immodest enough to say so aloud, but privately Evelyn agreed. It was strange how sometimes a recipe you used constantly could result in unexpected perfection, through some alchemy of timing or ingredients. "Best cake in the universe?" she said with a smile, putting down her tea cup.

"Ah, now, on that point, I would have to reserve myself. Not to insult your considerable baking skills, but I fear there's a recipe I know, given to me by my old friend Banjaxx, that puts your chocolate cake in the shade."

"Oh, really? Is there any proof to this pudding of yours?"

"Well, I'm sure I wrote it down somewhere ..."

Most of the rooms in the TARDIS seemed to be filled with things that the Doctor had 'written down somewhere.' Yet after a couple of hours hunting around the library while Evelyn flipped through Procopius' _Secret History_ and sighed, he triumphantly produced a crumpled note from inside a copy of Elizabeth David's _French Provincial Cooking_.

"There!" he said. "Now we just need to go out and pick up a few things ..."

***

"Did we really have to walk into the middle of a swamp?"

"It's the only place where the Malganian Mango grows," the Doctor said. "I mean, I suppose an _inferior_ cook might substitute an Earth mango, but if you want the authentic experience ..."

"All right, all right. I only meant that I'd have worn more suitable shoes if I'd known where we were going." Sometimes she thought she should just put on wellingtons every time she left the TARDIS, but then they'd only be bound to end up in a desert. She'd have suggested that he could have landed the TARDIS a bit closer, but she didn't need another lecture about the size of the universe relative to the location of one tiny planet and the difficulties of piloting a finicky time-space machine.

"Just a couple more," the Doctor said, thoughtfully squeezing one of the disturbingly orange fruits before apparently deciding to leave it on the tree, "and we can be on our way."

It was at that moment that Evelyn heard the howling.

"Doctor? What was that?"

"Some local wildlife, no doubt," he said. "Probably mating season. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure."

"So you don't think all those stories they told us back at the settlement about the demonic hound that eats travellers were true?"

He looked about him, with an expression that suggested he wasn't just hunting around for more mangoes. "Almost certainly not."

That was when the hound turned up, and the Doctor dropped all the fruit in surprise. Several hours later, when they'd proved that it was just hologram being used by an unscrupulous property developer who was trying to drive the settlers off their land, they had to go out to the swamp and fill a basket all over again.

***

"Doctor, please slow down." Sometimes Evelyn wondered if travel with the Doctor really had to involve so much running.

He fell back a little, to run alongside her, crashing through the thick undergrowth has he turned around. At another time, she'd have found the jungle fascinating - most of the leaves on this planet were purple instead of green, and the sky was turning a lurid yellow even this early in the morning. "Please, Evelyn, we need to hurry. The sun will be up soon."

"And brightly dawns your wedding day."

"There's not going to be a wedding day!"

"Are you sure? Your poor bride-to-be will be devastated when she finds out you've gone, you know. You shouldn't lead a girl on like that."

"How was I to know that asking someone for milk was a marriage proposal here? I tell you, they're worse than the Aztecs!"

It sounded like there was a story there. "Does this sort of thing happen to you a lot?" she said. "I mean, this is the second time you've gotten yourself accidentally engaged since I've known you."

The Doctor glowered. "Just keep moving."

***

"How do you get us into these situations?" Evelyn asked, peering around the side of the chicken coop. It wasn't quite the flimsiest thing she'd ever hidden from laser fire behind, but it was probably a close second. There were chickens everywhere, clucking and flapping and rushing about in a panic. For once, they really had something to panic about.

"When I said that the open range farms on Elcos 9 produced the finest eggs in the galaxy," he said, "I admit that I wasn't really anticipating that a crime family from Raxacoricofallapatorius would show up and try to steal them."

"I'm not sure why you don't expect these things," Eveyln said. "It's not as if this isn't what usually happens whenever you go outside."

The Doctor seemed to be about to argue, but the chicken coop exploded in a cyclone of splinters and feathers and they had to concentrate on running away.

Several hours later, after they'd defeated the Raxacoricofallapatorians and seen them hauled off in the intergalactic equivalent of a police van - driven by, of all things, some kind of bipedal rhinoceros - the Doctor was still trying to find an unbroken egg in the wreckage.

"You know, we could just go to Tescos like everybody else."

"Everybody else! Such provincialism, Doctor Smythe. I'll have you know that most of the known universe has never even heard of Tescos."

"You know exactly what I mean."

He sighed. "Yes, well. Perhaps you have a point. Although I have my doubts that it will be any quieter there."

***

Some time later, Evelyn was happy to find that the baking aisle of the supermarket had all the flour, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon that they could possibly need. She would have been a lot happier if it hadn't been for the squad of angry Sontarans they were currently hiding from.

"I hate to say I told you so ..."

"Then don't," she whispered, peering around the corner of the shelf. "I swear that you do this on purpose."

"I assure you, this has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Although I can't vouch for the TARDIS."

"Does the ship have something against cake?"

"Only against my getting bored," the Doctor said, with the indulgent affection that always coloured his voice where his ship was concerned. "I don't think she understands that sometimes I really do just need to buy more flour."

"I don't suppose that we could just grab what we need and sneak back to the TARDIS? I mean, it is a time machine. You could come back and sort out the Sontarans later on."

"Certainly not! We need to find a cash register first."

***

"Evelyn, please stop hovering!"

"I'm not hovering, I'm just wondering when it's going to be done. Thwarting Sontarans always gives me such an appetite." The smell of it cooking wafted through the TARDIS kitchen, and as far as Evelyn could tell it seemed to be almost ready. "Shall I put the kettle on yet?"

"Have patience a little longer," he said. "I promise you that in just a few minutes -"

That was when the Cloister Bell started ringing.

"Oh, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!" the Doctor said. "I'm starting to think the ship really _does_ have something against cake. Come on, we'd better go and find out what's the matter."

By the time they found the confused inter-dimensional being that had accidentally phase shifted itself into the TARDIS, and the Doctor had explained how she could get out again, the oven timer had been buzzing incessantly for some minutes. It was a measure of how annoyed he was that the Doctor didn't ask their unexpected guest to stay for tea.

***

In the end, the cake was only slightly burned on the top. Possibly enough to stop it from winning a Best Cake In The Universe competition, had there been such a thing. But Evelyn thought that it really was very good, especially when served with cream, in the TARDIS library, with your best friend pouring the tea.

The Doctor sighed a sigh of repletion and picked up his mug. "A job well done, if I do say so myself."

"I have to admit, it was delicious. Even if I've never gone to so much trouble over a cake and hope I never do again."

"Do you think it was worth the effort?"

"Oh, it always is," she said, and licked the last of the cream off her cake fork.


End file.
